Reactive abuse happens when someone is being hurt or provoked repeatedly by another person, and then they react with anger or frustration, and that reaction is used against them to make them look like the bad guy.
For example, imagine someone is teasing you and being mean to you every day at school. You might try to ignore them or tell them to stop, but they keep doing it. Then, one day, you get really angry and yell at them or even hit them. They might say, “See, I told you they were the problem! They’re the one who’s always getting angry and violent!”
But really, they were the one who started the problem by teasing and hurting you in the first place. It’s important to remember that just because someone reacts in a certain way, it doesn’t mean they were the one who caused the problem.
People experience some abusive form of relationship; that much is a fact. We must know then all the forms and aspects of abusive behaviour to deal with them appropriately. Some are so common that we recognize them immediately, like physical and verbal abuse. Others are more subtle and most often go unnoticed.
An example of the latter would be what we call reactive abuse. Many people experience being subjected to it, but often they do not recognize it. Some are unaware of it or do not know that such abusive behavior exists. There is not much talk, exposure, and discussion, contributing to the lack of knowledge.
But what is reactive abuse exactly? Why does it happen, and how can one react against it and deal with it appropriately? Why is it important in an equitable society?
What is Reactive Abuse?
Imagine yourself having an intense argument with your partner or lover, then suddenly, the argument spun out of control, and you found yourself at the receiving end of some kind of physical and verbal abuse. You found yourself reacting to it, probably lashing back against your partner. Then your partner uses your reaction as Proof that you are indeed in the wrong.
What is mentioned above is a typical form of reactive abuse, one of many kinds of abusese. Known by its other term as “gaslighting,” reactive abuse happens when the abused person decides to react against the abusers in a manner that could also be considered abusive. Thus, the abuser will claim that the abused is guilty of abusive behavior.
This type of abuse can occur in any other relationship, but it is common among lovers, domestic and romantic partners. It is one of the more common forms of abuse against women and one of the most typical of behavior concerning violence against women. Despite lack of recognition, it is the most common abusive behavior in society, albeit unrecognized.
It is common because reactive abuse can only occur at instances of other abusive behavior, namely physical and verbal abuse. That is why reactive abuse is far more dangerous than most people assume, and it is the last in the cycle of abuses that a victim can suffer. Reactive abuse presupposes already physical and, or verbal abuse.
In itself, though, reactive abuse is dangerous because it could lead to other consequences for the victim. Those subject to recurrent reactive abuse experience the phenomenon more commonly understood as gaslighting.
In gaslighting, the victim starts to question the reality of his own suffering, thinking of himself as the guilty one, and therefore, responsible for his own suffering. Gaslighting further reinforces the continuing cycle of abuse and violence, rendering the victim helpless against the aggressor.
What are the causes of reactive abuse?
An abusive partner is the usual cause of reactive abuse, but what must be explained is why the partner is abusive at all. The reason for being abusive might also lead us behind the reasons for reactive abuse. It holds the key to the continuing cycle of abuse and violence in a relationship.
Some personality disorders are implicated in reactive abuse behavior. Among them are the following:
Narcissism
Narcissistic people tend to be self-centered, thinking of themselves as highly important and always inconsiderate of the need of others. They usually lack empathy and feel insecure, owing to their need to be assured now and then. They exhibit some personality traits and tendencies that could lead to abusive behavior, including reactive abuse.
The most important of these, and one directly related to reactive abuse, is manipulative behavior. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are known to control partners psychologically and emotionally. They are known to make their partners entirely reliant on them, which they will take advantage of once the relationships go deeper.
They control and manipulate their partners so that the abusive and violent behavior they commit often slide under the radar. When finally confronted about it, their manipulative behavior could go into full swing. They will reverse the table, arguing instead that their partner is to blame for everything that has happened.
Those characterized as NPD will never admit they are wrong or have committed any wrongdoing against their partners. They will always blame the others, their partners in this case, for any untoward incident. This, even though they are often the cause of the argument and inflict pain and suffering on their hapless partners.
They can cause suffering and pain through the infliction of violence and exhibit abusive behavior due to the lack of empathy towards others, even their partners. Thus, they show no inhibitions exhibiting bad, abusive behavior and no qualms about not admitting, or worse, blaming their partners.
People with antisocial behavior
Individuals with this disorder exhibit certain traits that make them prone to reactive abuse. Usual tendencies to violence and aggressive behavior aside, they are primarily cunning and unscrupulous, will not be remorseful, and worse, will tend to blame the victim to get away with bad behavior.
People with this disorder do not distinguish right from wrong and will simply act according to their interest, with utter disregard for the feeling, emotion, or rights, even their partners. Their predisposition towards lying will make them deny their abusive behavior against their partner, which usually results in blaming the victim.
Other factors
Personality disorders aside, other people who exhibit certain traits like predisposition towards violence, self-centeredness, extreme egotism are prone to commit reactive abuse. Those who have shown too much aggressiveness and the like, those who have tendencies to be manipulative, and others who have recurring problems relating and dealing with others could be considered causes of reactive abuse.
Summing up this section, the behavior and personality of the partner, more than any other, is what causes the reactive abuse. Other factors, like unequal power relations, glorification of violence, sexism, and chauvinism of all types may also contribute. But in the final analysis, individual attitudes, traits, and behavior determine relationships and whatever trajectory it may take.
What are the effects of reactive abuse?
Disastrous relationships
Reactive abuse has dire and disastrous consequences in any relationship. As mentioned, reactive abuse is the last in the cycle of abuse in a relationship. The victim is subjected to it, making it appear as if the victim was at fault, making it a vicious circle with no end in sight. And things could go worse, as the abuse usually intensifies the longer the relationship.
It is significant, then, that the cycle is broken anytime. It would be best if an abusive relationship is nipped in the bud at the onset. But an abusive relationship could be developing slowly, without the victim being aware of it. Once the victim recognizes that things are going out of hand and the aggressor has started reactive abuse, it is indeed time that things must go to a halt.
Things could quickly go out of hand if the cycle of violence continues. Verbal abuse, seldom at times, could go frequent and could lead to physical abuse, which could lead to other worse consequences. The relationship could be broken beyond repair once the cycle of abuse started and reactive abuse employed by the aggressor.
Physical harm
Physical harm is a real possibility and one of the worse reactive abuse effects. It could happen, especially if the aggressor has been particularly violent against his victim. Things could quickly go out of control once there is physical violence, for the aggrieved party’s tendency to retaliate is a genuine, utmost possibility,
In fact, violence is the usual cause of the deployment of reactive abuse strategy. It is the “evidence” that the aggressor presents, making the case that the actions performed were necessary in relation to the actions of the victim. It opens up the victim to the possibility o even greater violence and physical harm.
Emotional distress and trauma
People subjected to reactive abuse may develop psychological and mental issues, such as anxiety and depression. Severe stress is a genuine possibility, not dissimilar to those who have undergone traumas of war, disaster, loss of someone, and severe emotional grief. It can leave a profound, lasting impact on an individual, leaving the victim an emotional wreck.
On the other reverse side, equally dangerous still, the victim may form an even tighter, emotional bond with the abuser. It is one of the more surprising emotional side effects of reactive abuse. Known as “trauma bonding”, it is the situation when the victims have sympathy or empathy towards the abusers.
The phenomenon is not dissimilar to the Stockholm syndrome when the victims form emotional attachment and sympathy to their kidnappers. The attachment could be due to several factors: the manipulation and control exerted by the abuser against the victim and the various forms of rationalization employed by the abuser, which the victim believed.
This kind of bonding is dangerous for two reasons: It makes the victim believe the lies perpetuated by the abuser. Second, it allows the perpetuation of the abusive relationship between them. The first makes it hard for the victim to break the cycle of abuse and makes it doubly harder to break out of the relationship.
The second one is highly dangerous. It allows for the continuation of other forms of physical and verbal abuse. Rationalization is one of the more pervasive emotional side effects of reactive abuse. It makes the victim a willing participant in the continuing abusive relationship, dominated by the abuser.
The emotional side effects of reactive abuse are a genuine cause of concern, and it needs to be stopped in the first instance. To do so, we must recognize it when it occurs, must know those tell-tale signs that a victim is suffering from it. In knowing them, we can give proper guidance and help to the victims and seek the help of authorities if needed.
How Do You Recognize Reactive Abuse?
Abusers employ some tactics that would be tantamount or preparatory to reactive abuse. You must be wary of those tactics and be on guard, especially if the incidences of abuse become frequent, intensify, and become threatening and increasingly alarming.
How can you recognize reactive abuse? Can you detect reactive abuse? Here are some of the things you should watch to recognize the phenomenon.
The abuser makes you question yourself
Here the connection between gaslighting and reactive abuse is more pronounced. When you are suddenly confronted with questions in which you feel aggrieved and responsible for everything wrong, think again. In this case, you are indeed a victim of reactive abuse. One of the most common tricks up their sleeve is to make you question yourself.
That is a classic textbook case of reactive abuse. The abuser will have that template and remind you of that incident, or will repeat it incessantly, making it linger in your mind, making you doubt and question yourself as to whether everything is your fault. Well, it is not your fault. That is the suggestion of the abuser, and be careful once the abuser makes that suggestion.
The abuser lowers your self-esteem
The abuser uses your weakness against you, making you even more insecure and unsure of yourself. Low self-esteem will make you vulnerable, open to suggestions that you might be to blame after all. Again, the abuser will pounce on this weakness, exploiting it to manipulate you further.
The abuser will present some “proofs”
The abuser will start by doing something that might provoke you, such as an argument. Then if you react in a certain way, the abuser would say that it proves that there is something wrong with you. Then the abuser will pounce on it as if it is the cause of all the troubles in your relationship.
The abuser will reverse the tables on you
Once you decide you have enough and will not take any form of abuse, the abuse will reverse the situation and adopt a victim’s stance and attitude. The abuser will claim that it was you who was abusive and that the Proof of it was the very act of you standing against the abuses! The claim is a clear sign of reactive abuse, and you must not bite into it.
These are just some of the tell-tale signs that your partner is employing reactive abuse against you. But what is the proper reaction, or what you must do, once you learn that one is a victim of reactive abuse?
How to React When You Suspect Someone is Being Abused Reactively
The first thing you must do is know the usual reactions of victims of reactive abuse. They have symptoms of distress and anxiety, sweaty palms and hands, dizziness, confusion. Some people exhibit feelings of low self-esteem and are overly apologetic. Their behavior is also characterized by the need to appease most people
What do you do when you suspect someone is being abused reactively? The first thing to do is look for the red flags we mentioned. Then inquire if the person exhibiting symptoms is subjected to abuse. Inquire deeply if the person is subjected to reactive abuse. Once you determine that, do some of the following:
Convince the victims that they are not at fault
The abuser, as we already know, is manipulative and has specific tactics that will keep the victim doubting. Convince the victim that she‘s not at fault and that the doubt is the consequence of the reactive abuse that she experienced. Try to talk the person out of the predicament and convince the victim that the blame does not lie on her.
Boost the victim’s self-esteem
The abuser plays on the victim’s insecurity and uses it to control the person. Give the victim the moral support needed to be able to stand up against those tricks and manipulation. Build the victim’s confidence so that she will not be insecure and thus be able to stand up to her abusive partner.
The Proof is not Proof
The Proof that the abuser will show is not Proof but rather a manipulative act employed to make the victim feel guilty. Teach the victim not to succumb to those kinds of emotional blackmail. And those are nothing but a ruse to reverse the tables against the victim. In this way, you can warn the victims against the reactive abuses of their partners.
These are some things you can do to help someone who might be a victim of reactive abuse. The best thing, of course, is to ask the help of authorities eventually and seek the guidance of experts to help the victim heal from it eventually.
Reactive Abuse
What is Reactive Abuse?
Known by its other term as “gaslighting,” reactive abuse happens when the abused person decides to react against the abusers in a manner that could also be considered abusive. Thus, the abuser will claim that the abused is guilty of abusive behaviour.
